Mom, It Doesn't Have to be Perfect

Baking with my four children was something I have loved doing since they were each about eighteen months old, using this cherished time together for many reasons. I loved seeing them peek over the counter from atop a kitchen chair, using their stubby little fingers to stir eggs and measure cinnamon. We discussed the shapes and colors of the ingredients as we added them to the bowls. As a teacher, I tried to incorporate some math facts when they were old enough to understand concepts like addition and fractions. I enjoyed sharing my hobby with them, teaching them a life skill that they hopefully would pass on to their own children some day. I wanted to help them create something they could see and taste with pride. 

My daughter, Trixie, was only seven years old when we were finishing up a cake together. She had done her best to frost the cake in a way any young girl would. When she was finished, I took the offset spatula from her little hands and adjusted the icing a bit, sighing a little at the need to redo the work. Right away, Trixie said, "Mom, it doesn't have to be perfect."  The instant those words came out of her sweet little mouth, it was like I had been hit with a brick. Of course it didn't have to be perfect. Why hadn't I thought of that sooner?  It was a cake we were making  to share with her dad and three brothers. Cakes did not have to be perfect. I did not need to do things perfectly, and neither did my children. 

This epiphany from Trixie strongly resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with people. I wanted to share this one simple sentence with everyone I knew. "Mom, it doesn't have to be perfect." How amazing it was that a child's mind could see the way life should really be, and she was innocent enough to tell us. I sadly thought back to the past eight years of baking with the kids, hoping that I had not made them feel pressure to make our treats perfect.  

Trixie's advice made its way into every part of my life. It was not until after that memorable day in the kitchen that I realized I had been battling with perfectionism for years. I examined the way I was living, and I made a conscious decision not to worry about being perfect anymore. It was the best decision I have ever made.

Did I feel happy when others enjoyed my homemade treats or told me that my themed parties were so wonderful? Did I enjoy hearing friends compliment me on my perfect children, my perfect hospitality, my perfect leadership skills? Of course I did. Who wouldn't love all those compliments?  Unfortunately, it had come to a point where I felt that if I did not keep up with that perfect appearance, I would disappoint people. My mom used to tell me that once I turned 40, I would stop worrying about what everyone thought and relax. Thanks to Trixie, it only took me until I was 33 to figure it out. 

I have other close friends who have similar personalities as mine. I have been spending the past few years encouraging them to drop the perfectionist facade and just be themselves. Through talking with them, I have learned that they, too, have struggled with this need to be perfect in others' eyes.  A perfect wife, a perfect employee, a perfect mom and hostess. We have all been slowly but surely letting go, and when we are together, we enjoy each others' company instead of trying to be so perfect.

What's funny is that people have now told me that the fact I did things so "perfectly" made them feel badly about themselves, which was never my intention. I recently made some raspberry cookies for an event. When my friend told me I made her feel badly about herself because she did not make cookies like mine, I made sure to let her know that the cookies came from a mix, and I just slapped some raspberry jam in the center. I was nowhere close to perfect...not in the kitchen and not in life.

I continue to bake with my children. It will always be one of my favorite things to do with them. The older two can now complete a recipe on their own, and the younger ones are quick to hop up to the counter when I ask for some help with muffins or cookies. I still have to remind myself that I will never be perfect, and I need to make sure my children do not think they have to be perfect either. People will still like them, and their cakes will still taste delicious, I'm sure of it! 

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