Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Can We Please Forget the Lists of Rules and Just Use Common Sense?

Lately, every single time I'm online, I see a post that neatly breaks downs rules of conversation for how we should talk to just about every person we could ever meet.

They usually look something like this:  "20 Things Never to Say to Someone Who______." 

The blanks have been filled in with anything and everything from:

-is pregnant
-just had a baby
-doesn't have any children
-has lots of children
-is breastfeeding
-is a working mom
-is a stay-at-home-mom
-is adopting a baby
-has only boys
-has only girls

You know what I mean.  You've seen the lists.   

I usually read them and laugh, knowing that the comments and advice usually make a lot sense.  Of course we shouldn't tell a bottle-feeding adoptive father that breast is best.  Duh!  Then, I hope to myself that I have never said anything on the lists.  (I probably have). 

I also know that most humans make rude comments at some point in their lives.   Maybe they do it on purpose or maybe not.  They are going to ask stupid questions which are none of their business, like "How may stitches did you need after delivery?"  They're going to offer unsolicited or outdated advice, like, "We never used car seats, and our kids turned out just fine!"  That's life.  We could never train every person to always say or do the right thing.

I am also pretty sure that the people who ask those kind of questions or reach to rub a stranger's  pregnant belly are not reading the advice columns on mom blogs anyway.

So, even though I know the lists are kind of a waste of time, it all started me thinking about one of the worst comments I ever had directed at me.  It would be at the top of any DO NOT SAY THIS TO PREGNANT WOMEN LIST for sure.   I'll share it just for fun.  I don't have an entire list of dos and don'ts.  It's just this one that I'll never forget. 

I was expecting our second baby.  Our first child was still very much a baby, being only about ten months at the time.   We were standing around the kitchen table, and someone told me that I was so great at being pregnant.   

Just a few weeks from delivering baby #3
I remember thinking to myself for a split second, "Wow, what a beautiful compliment."  I was growing another tiny person inside my body for the second time in a year.  I was great at being pregnant.  I must really have had that glow.  My blissful feeling didn't last long, though, as it was the rest of her sentence which squashed my delight. 

She told me that I was so great at being pregnant because I had such big hips!!  Then, she patted me with her hands on those child-bearing hips, which, thankfully, my husband adored.  

What was she talking about anyway?  I was only 25 and had perfectly normal sized hips.  I'm sure my eyes bugged out of my head at her revelation of why I could successfully carry babies.  She thought nothing of it and laughed.  I had no idea what I should do.  How could I defend myself to such a remark?  Should I even bother?   I was mostly in shock that someone, a mother herself, would be so rude.  Didn't she remember that being pregnant makes a woman ultrasensitive about everything, especially her ever-changing body shape?

Honestly, I did nothing.  The moment passed me by, as have the past ten years, but I have never been able to forget the way she made me feel on that day...like a beastly, gestating cow.   These  womanly hips of mine have indeed held up the pregnancies of two more babies, so thank goodness for them! 

Reading lists of what not to say to every person we meet might come in handy, but the likelihood of us retaining any worthwhile information from them is actually pretty miniscule.  Why don't we all just try to use common sense, think about the cringe worthy remarks we have heard in the past, and try not to repeat them? 

For those of us on the receiving end of the comments and questions, let's learn to laugh them off and move on.  We will come away with a great story to tell one day.

I'd love to hear your accounts of some of the best and worst remarks you have ever heard.

   


   
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3 comments:

  1. We all know that we cannot control what comes out of other people's mouths. Please share with us something you heard that just blew your mind: Maybe it was incredibly insensitive or just the best compliment you ever heard.

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  2. I asked my husband what the worst thing about me is. He said my big mouth. He didn't elaborate. I know he thinks I am too open, too honest, too blunt & too opinionated. Then I asked him what the best thing about me is. He said that my mouth is the only bad thing he could think of.

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    Replies
    1. A big mouth? I'm sure it comes in handy a lot of times, too! How did he forget the compliment?

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