Usually, when he starts the hum, we tell him to be quiet. We really can't stand it. It's ear-piercing and induces headaches. What happens when we tell him to stop? He does it louder. We tell him again to stop. He gets even louder. It's a vicious circle. He's been making this noise since he was probably about two. I thought he would grow out of it. He hasn't. I don't know when or if he will. I have known for a few years now that he makes this sound to try to calm himself. It's a sensory technique that he started as a toddler and has continued, attempting to gain some sanity in this over stimulating home of ours.
Yesterday, I listened to the noise all the way to school. It's summer break, but his teacher hosted a special day camp for his class. He didn't want to go, hence the hum. The short, five minute car ride seemed like an eternity. I tried something different and decided not to ask him to stop the sound. Even though it made me want to cover my ears and jump from the moving car, I figured I would diverge from my normal course and ignore the noise. As I was driving, I took deep breaths and repeated to myself, "he's trying to calm himself, he's trying to calm himself. Leave it alone, and he'll calm down."
Low and behold, he eventually stopped the noise. I didn't need to bug him. We didn't have the circle of nagging. He stopped when he was ready to stop.
I had been thinking lately about how I feel when I'm upset. If I were crying, would I want someone to tell me to just stop?
Stop the noise, stop the sounds, stop the tears.
No way.
If someone did tell me to stop, would I be able to do it, just because they said so?
I know the answer to that...of course not.
Why do we so quickly jump to tell our kids to shush when they are crying or whining? Why do we want them to stop the noise? Aside from the fact that it's annoying, of course? When they're small, and they can't do anything but cry, we jump up to ease their pain and comfort them. Then, suddenly, when they hit talking age, we want them to stop crying and use words. We want them to tell us what is wrong. We want them to explain their feelings, like a big kid. Why don't we just let them cry? Why don't we ever just let them whine?
My son has figured out that his whiny hum is calming to him.
It's not calming to us.
Definitely not to us.
But when he is upset, it shouldn't be about us.
We should be concerned with helping him feel better.
We need to learn to leave him be to hum and whine until he's over it. Do I wish it didn't happen at inopportune times, like when I'm on an important phone call or driving the car? Of course, but one thing I've learned about parenting is I should stop wishing for things I can't control.
When we are home, I can send my little guy to a place where he can whine and hum on his own. He can whine and hum in his room, with the door closed, until he can whine and hum no more.
He'll rejoin us when he's ready. I know he will. We are always trying to teach him other techniques and methods for coping with his frustrations. He'll learn them eventually. Just like I don't sleep with a teddy bear or you don't suck your thumb, I'm sure he won't turn into an adult who hums and whines. In the meantime, if I don't make him comfortable when he's upset in our home, what kind of mother am I anyway?
**I started this story when Chip was crying, and before I was finished writing, so was he. He had a wonderful time with his BFF. Thank goodness for friends!
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Would you tell me if your children have techniques you've noticed they use for soothing themselves?
ReplyDeleteAll of mine did have a sweet one, when they rubbed the tags from their stuffed animals and blankets.
Some children with sensory disorders try spinning, humming, banging, covering their ears, stomping, running away. You name it, I think I've seen it.