How Do We Validate Ourselves as Mothers?

After weeks of preparation and planning, the dinner party that Mark and I hosted for his colleagues came and went in a bit of a whirlwind last night.  It was here and gone in about three hours and was absolutely lovely.  The weather was gorgeous, with clear skies after a few days of rain.  We ate and drank together under the vast shade of our forested backyard.  Our children were sweet to each other and the guests' children, making fast friends on our trampoline and in their Minecraft worlds.  The food!  Oh, the food...my favorite part.  Everything was pretty and savory and sweet and just delish.  Am I allowed to say that when I did all the cooking?

I throw parties all the time.   I love hosting people in our home when food's involved.  I thrive on it.  It's exhilarating to me.  However, this one was a little stressful to me.  Even though I couldn't control the weather, and I knew the recipes I chose usually please everybody, I was still losing sleep about this dinner.  I had found myself worrying before this particular party because we were hosting some women I didn't know.  I thought they were all working moms with two children...the opposite of me.  Most women I'm friends with are like me in at least one way:  stay home with their kids, have a lot of children, or have a teaching degree. 

I had expressed my worry to Mark ahead of time.  I let him know that I was afraid these ladies would judge me.  They'd think of me just as a baby machine, in the kitchen, with no ambitions of my own.   I was worried they would wonder why I didn't have a career now.  They would find me strange for wanting to stay home with so many kids. 

Four kids is a lot of kids, and I hear it all the time,

"How do you do it?  Just two are such a handful.  I could never stay home." 

I was just assuming that I was going to be questioned.  I had armed myself with what I would say if those topics arose.  The fact is, I am (almost always) completely satisfied with my choice to be home with these crazy kids of ours.

What happened when we welcomed these ladies into our home with their husbands is I realized I had been ridiculous to worry.  These women were wonderful.  They were charming and interesting and have all had very different paths through motherhood.  I did learn that one of them had always been a stay-at-home-mom, and now her children are successful young adults.   She has survived it!  She has given me hope.  She loved the thought of my big family and said it was a real blessing.  She laughed with me and said reassuringly, "I remember those days," when we talked about my kids fighting in the car that morning.   Marshall had been accusing Chip of looking at him when he was trying to see out the window.  How dare he?

One of the working moms with young kids talked to me about her flexible work hours, and the fact that she's still able to attend all of the parties and events at her children's school.  I'm so happy for her that she's able to do it all, but it made me wonder if she had felt the pressure from stay-at-home-moms in the past to justify her choice or need to work.  Was she coming to my home worrying that I was going to judge her for working?  I certainly hope not.

I really hope that the Mompetitor nonsense that has been so rampant the past few years will be on a down-slope soon.  I couldn't care less what other moms and dads choose to do, so why am I afraid that others care what I'm doing?  Obviously, we are all doing what is best for us... for our budgets, for our sanity, for our families.

Yes, I have days when I remember that I do have a brain in my head that's capable of holding more than the lyrics to Taylor Swift songs and the names of every character from Toy Story 1, 2, and 3.  I try to think back to the days when I was forced to be dressed and ready before 8 a.m.  Two days ago, I didn't even have a shower or brush my teeth till 7 p.m.  I'm GROSS, I know.

I've gone through stages over these almost twelve years of motherhood when I've felt I wanted...no, needed something else. 

Something outside of this house, this kitchen, these kids, to fulfill me....to validate me...to pay me.  I even tried it for a little while. 

It wasn't for me.  Not just yet. 

Although the hugs and kisses and "you're the bests" I hear from Mark and the kids are priceless,  I do still need something to fulfill the "me" part of our family.  We all do.  For now, for me, it's not with any kind of paying job.  That's okay for us.  I find fulfillment with my work in my kids' PTA and with comforting my friends and especially in writing. 

It comes from you.  Your smiles and messages lift me up, so I truly thank you for them.  I started this blog as an outlet for myself, as a way to fill a void.  In such a short time, it has become something that's important not only to me, but to you.  Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing.  Thank you for being on this journey with me.

I'd love for you to find me on Facebook: 

https://www.facebook.com/mamalovesyouandchocolatetoo