Teaching Our Kids It's Okay to Fail

We all remember our middle school years. Some adults may look back with wide smiles and fond nostalgia, although those people are probably rare. After speaking to a lot of my women friends the past few weeks, I've learned that many of them who are currently successful, empowered, admired and beautiful actually recall those times with distinct horror.


They explicitly describe them as "the worst years of their lives."


These are women who have gone on to become gifted engineers, pilots, computer scientists, teachers, writers, mothers and dedicated friends. They're leaders in their communities, churches and schools. They have surpassed every obstacle that has come their way and ended up in positions of importance and value.


Yet, when they think back to being an awkward early teenager, they cringe. They literally shudder at the mere mention of Middle School. Junior High. Whatever it was called where they lived. It was all the same. Horrible. Dreadful. Humiliating.


My own middle school years were no picnic. Going from the big fish in a small pond into a sea of glittery rainbow fish was something I hadn't expected. Not seeing my two best friends all day was a shock. Half of our elementary school went to a different middle school, so kids I had known for years were never to be seen again until high school.


Then, entered the mean girls. The rotten bullies who were relentless in their taunting. My mom always insisted they acted that way because they were jealous of my grades or my pretty hair (that's what all moms say), but it didn't take away from the fact that they followed me from class to class, unforgiving in their constant hounding.


Until middle school, everything had always gone my way. I was sassy and smart and believed I was a star. The mean girls bothered me and tried to tear me down, but somehow, I survived. When I look back now, I'm surprised at all that I was able to endure.


Maybe it was because my mom didn't let it show that she was worried for me, or that she knew middle school could quite possibly be the worst years of my life. She encouraged me to keep trying new things. She kept on insisting that I was amazing, that I could do anything, that I deserved more. She pushed and pushed and pushed. So, I believed her, and I went for more.


By seventh grade, the bullies must have moved on to someone else. Life was looking up as I had become acclimated to school, and I was finding my niche. Then, I did something kind of nuts. A few of my other friends were trying out for the girls' basketball team. I, on the other hand, didn't know how to play basketball...at all. I had always been a cheerleader, but that year, I decided to give basketball a try, too. I showed up to every preliminary practice, not knowing how to dribble the ball or run down the court or shoot any kind of basket: free throw, lay-up, are there others I'm missing? I still don't know.


Of course, I didn't make the team. I had no chance. Zero. I didn't even make the B team. I would not be allowed to ride any benches. I was just sent packing at the end of the last day. My name wasn't called, and I was left sitting in the bleachers while everyone else was celebrating. The end.


Do you know what happened after I experienced my first-ever real failure?


I survived.


My parents probably took me out for ice cream to console me. Then, they told me that I was just meant for something else. I never looked back on those basketball try-outs with regret. I never wished I hadn't participated because I looked foolish. It helped to build a stronger foundation for my character. To boost my confidence. To teach me that even if I wasn't the best at everything, I was still pretty great at other things. I would still be sassy and smart and a star.

Check me out playing Hedbanz, being my ultra-competitive self.

Is it normal that I can vividly recall this failure? I actually remember almost every time I didn't succeed at something. I can reflect on those experiences in connection to parenting. Learning to handle failure is surely an important tool to instill in our children, to help them build a healthy life.


As parents, naturally, we worry about our kids. We don't want them to have pain. Or trouble. Or sadness. Or rejection. As I listen to so many moms express their own painful memories of middle school, I have these wishes:


-I wish that we don't project our own fears about unchartered territory onto our kids. We can talk to our friends, our spouses or our parents about it.


-I wish that children who start out highly confident continue to grow...that even when they have a misstep, they know they are still loved and have value.


-I wish that kids who don't know that they are stars will find power from somewhere...from parents, from teachers, from friends, from neighbors. This world needs people who see potential in the quiet kids/quirky kids/awkward kids/kids who seem to have it all together, but secretly don't.


-I wish that we have strong, open dialogues with our kids about bullies and try-outs and grades and acne and the ever-changing dynamics of social media.


-I wish that we are able to nurture these big kids just as we did when they were babies...with deliberate, unwavering care, for as long as they'll allow...without hovering, of course.

What kinds of worries have you had about your child starting something new?

How did you handle it?

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Special Author Interview, Featuring David Stefanich, Writer of "Stand Up"

Sending kids off to school can create a lot of unknown answers for moms and dads. Our children leave the comforts of our homes each morning to enter these buildings which house unique sets of dynamics, academics and social scenes. As parents, we're left to wonder how our children handle the people who cross their paths each day. What is school life really like for our kids when they aren't physically in our presence and within arm's reach? Once they walk up the steps of the school bus, through the doors of the cafeteria or onto the gymnasium floor, does something happen to them that we can't see? Are they safe? Are they happy? Does anything change about them from the moment they leave our own front doors and step into the place we should trust the most…their school?

Now that I have you thinking, I'd like to introduce you to someone whom many, many parents trust with their children every single day. He's a man who constantly has his eyes, heart and mind on the safety and emotional well being of hundreds of school kids, just like ours. Elementary school principal, father and children's author, David Stefanich, is sharing his debut book, Stand Up, hoping to open an important dialogue about a sobering topic: a lonely child named Xavier who is being bullied in school. I recently had the honor of hearing the author read his book aloud, as scores of elementary students sat beneath his feet, clinging to every word and stretching their necks to view the haunting illustrations, gloriously provided by Corey Verdon. As Stefanich closed the covers of his eerily eloquent and all too real story, parents and kids were left stunned and speechless.

Why were we speechless? The author's words and the illustrator's creations tell the story in a way we've never seen. We instantly relate to the characters, and for each person, it's for a different reason. Maybe we have had the dreaded phone call that our child has been throwing blocks at another student. Maybe it's because we fear our own children could be silently suffering. Maybe Xavier's story has actually already happened to our child, and hearing Stefanich describe it so poignantly cuts straight through us. Maybe we couldn't really know or see how our child felt through it all, until now. Now we see. Now we know.
 

Maybe the story strikes us so deeply because it brings up painful memories from our own childhood. Ones that we thought had been buried, but here they are, dreadful as ever, staring us down like that group of mean girls blocking the way to our locker. Maybe we were one of the school bullies in the past, and hearing Stand Up socks us in the gut like we deserved twenty years ago.

Being bullied…being a bully…being a bystander…being a parent…being a teacher. No matter who you are, this story is POWERFUL. After hearing Stand Up, I created these goals for myself: meet the author, listen to his story, and do what I can to make sure this book finds its way into more libraries and homes around the world.

Please take a few moments to read the interview I've conducted with this up and coming author. While keenly aware that his story "makes adults uncomfortable because we don't want these types of things to happen," he has accomplished his goal of "writing something authentic that kids could relate to" today. Stefanich also provides some excellent tips for parents on how to spot signs of trouble in our own kids.

Interview between Elizabeth Morales and David Stefanich

 

In what ways do you empower children through the telling of your book, Stand Up, and with your author talks? Can you give an example of something that came from a child's mouth which blew you away? 

"I try to empower children just by sharing the story. I was recently at a local school doing a reading and afterwards, when I was signing a copy for a fourth grade student, I asked what his favorite part of the book was. He told me it was "the whole thing" because it reminded him of something that has happened to him. Although I was sad this boy had had a similar experience to Xavier from the story, I was glad that Stand Up was something he could relate to, because that was the whole point of the story." 

Describe signs that parents should watch for which might signal their child is encountering a bully at school.

"The biggest sign parents can look for if their child is being bullied is a change in behavior.  A sign that something is going on might be a child who has previously really enjoyed going to school, is having a hard time in the morning before school, or is saying they are feeling sick without a lot of other symptoms." 

 

As a school principal, can you offer advice to parents who are genuinely surprised to find out that their child is picking on another student? 

"My advice is kids make mistakes, and as parents it is important for us to do all we can to keep the lines of communication with our children open. This open communication can lead to the discussion that will help to turn that mistake into something that can be more positive down the road. As parents we need to help guide our children to persevere when a mistake has been made, to own the mistake, try to fix it, and move on. No one is perfect, but how we teach our children to respond when they have messed up can make a huge impact. "

 

Would you share with the readers if you personally remember being teased during childhood or adolescence? Did anyone "stand up" for you? If so, would you like to thank them for that courage now?

"I don't have huge memories of getting picked on or teased. What I do remember is that when I was picked on or called names, or laughed at, I remember feeling very alone. I also remember my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Marzalec, was a teacher that really gave me a lot of confidence in myself. You could say she gave me confidence to 'stand up.'"

 

Has being a father shaped the way that you handle these situations, and if so, how?
"Being a father has shaped how I view these types of situations. Working in a school, in a position in which I interact with hundreds of students on a daily basis, I try to always keep in mind how I would want my own children to be treated. Whether a child is going through something like Xavier or whether they are picking on a classmate, I always think about how I would want my own child's teacher or principal to respond. It's kind of like my golden rule: 'How would I want the principal to respond if Kingston or Kyrie were in this situation?'"

What really compelled you to write your book, Stand Up?

"I was compelled to write this story for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, it has always been a dream or goal of mine to write a book. It wasn't until recently that I decided that if this is something I wanted to do, I just needed to do it. As a writer I believe it is important for you to write about what you know. I have either attended or worked in schools for the past 28 years, so it made sense to me to write a story that takes place in a school setting. I didn't set out to write a story on the topic of bullying, but as the first draft got down on paper, that theme became clear, so the telling of Xavier's story in an authentic and somewhat lonely way became a focus of the revision process."

 

Can you offer any other personal insights or stories?
"One thing I like to tell young writers is that the first draft to Stand Up was absolutely horrible. It was nowhere near the finished process it is today. And writing is just that, a process. This story, although under 1000 words, took almost a year to complete. I wrote and revised and poured over small details. Parents can easily encourage their child to become a better writer just by listening to their stories. I can't tell you how many times my wife listened to different versions of Stand Up. Her willingness just to be present in the moment and listen to the small changes I was making helped me to end up with a final product that I am really proud of."

This post is not sponsored by any book store, publisher or Mr. Stefanich. I'm simply using this broad avenue of mine to share an important story that I know you'll want to read. 

Now, share this link and get your hands on this book! Stand Up, Written by David Stefanich and Illustrated by Corey Verdon, is available for purchase online through Amazon and in person at Reader's World. 

For your chance to win a FREE copy of Stand Up, come on over to my Facebook page and leave a comment in the Stand Up post. We're giving one book to a school employee and one to a caregiver. Just tell me in your comment which one you are. The drawing will be on April 1st. Good luck! 

 

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